Allowance
by RemusJ
Summary: Remus' thoughts after Dumbledore's death.


**Allowance**

**Title:** Allowance

**Author**: goveg

**Rating:** PG

**Word Count**: 1442

**Summary**: Remus' thoughts after Dumbledore's death.

**Author's Notes**: Yes, there are a zillion post-hospital wing fics out there, but I really wanted to write one from Remus' perspective that I felt was realistic. This is my first Remus/Tonks fic, and is a stand-alone story that will eventually be one chapter in a bigger work.

Remus lay in bed, exhausted, but knowing he would not be able to shut his mind off. _Dumbledore's dead_, he thought over and over again, trying to make it sink in. It wasn't sinking in, though. Maybe if he could fall asleep he would wake up tomorrow and find that it had all been a bad dream. He just couldn't imagine them winning this war without Dumbledore. He felt so alone, and he kept thinking the only thing he wanted to do right now was put his arms around Tonks and hold her as tight as he could. He had tried hard this past year to push all thoughts of her out of his mind, to do anything to not think about her. But now that Dumbledore was gone, he was unable to stop the thoughts from coming. What if he were to lose her? He knew she was miserable now, and what if she died that way? He felt completely hopeless.

Pushing Tonks away had hurt him, a great deal, but he had felt it was the right decision. He had told Tonks his reasons, and he believed them valid. Deep down, though, he knew they weren't the real reasons he had pushed her away. He was absolutely terrified of being in a relationship with her. He just couldn't believe that he would find happiness and that it would last. He was convinced it would fall apart, and he would suffer for it. It would have been so easy to go along with what she wanted, but he knew he'd only be leading himself down the path to utter misery in the end.

Now, though, what happened in the future didn't seem to matter to him anymore. He couldn't really imagine the future at all; he could only think of now. Now Dumbledore was dead, and he ached for Tonks. What if she died tomorrow, or what if he did? He knew she knew how he felt about her, but he knew that it wasn't enough. He needed to tell her. He didn't care anymore that being with her was something he'd regret later on. How much more miserable could he be? Could she be? All night he lay awake, unable to stop thinking about her and about Dumbledore. He had to talk to her…

As the first light crept into the room, he became restless and wanted to get up and go to her then, but he knew she'd still be asleep. He'd have to wait some time still. His head ached and he felt nauseous. He made some tea, hoping it would make the headache go away, but it only made him feel worse. His stomach growled, and he knew he should eat something, but he felt that if he did, he'd vomit. He lay back down in bed and waited for what seemed like an eternity. If only time would hurry up. He couldn't stand it. He didn't want to think anymore…

Finally, he felt it was a reasonable enough time to go to her. But what if she weren't there? He didn't want to owl her… She may not want to see him, then. What if she were with someone else? He had to talk to her alone--nothing else mattered.

When he reached Tonks' door, it occurred to him that he had been so concerned with finding her that he hadn't bothered to think of what he was actually going to say to her. He froze, unable to bring himself to knock. What was he going to say? His heart pounded in his chest so quickly he felt it was going to explode. The headache and nausea were worse than ever. He forced himself to bring his fist to the door and rap it. He waited, heart beating out of control. There was no answer. She was probably still asleep. He couldn't bring himself to knock another time, but he couldn't move his legs either. And then he heard footsteps coming. His heart was pounding in his ears.

"Who is it?"

"It's Remus." It didn't sound like the voice had come from him. His lips were moving of their own accord.

The door opened and an exhausted looking Tonks with mussed up hair peered at him.

"Can I come in?"

She opened the door all the way and stepped aside. She said nothing, but turned and walked into the living room area and slumped onto the couch. Remus stood there, again frozen.

"You can sit down," she said without looking at him.

He wanted to pull her into his arms, but instead he sat on a chair just to the left of the sofa.

"I wanted to talk to you…."

"Remus, I don't want to hear it now… I'm tired."

"Look, I should have said something to you last night…but I couldn't think straight. I've been awake all night…and I couldn't stop thinking about you. I miss you, Tonks…"

At this, she looked somewhat surprised, but said nothing.

"It would be wrong for me not to tell you what I think. And… you know… I love you."

Tonks stared at him blankly, as if none of this were registering.

"I know I've hurt you so much… and I don't want you to hurt. I'm sorry… and… I don't know what to say… I just want to be with you…"

He looked at her intently, trying to gage her reaction. Her expression hadn't changed; she continued to stare at him blankly. He just wanted her to say something; because his heart was beating at a million miles an hour, and he couldn't stand the silence.

Finally, she nodded at the space on the couch next to her and said, "Come here."

He got up slowly, nervously, and sat down beside her, his eyes not leaving hers.

"Remus…" She reached across and pulled him into her arms. It took a few seconds for him to react. He closed his eyes and returned the embrace. It seemed like an eternity that they sat there, holding each other. All he could think of was how much he missed this, how he could have gone so long without holding her like this. He felt tears forming in his eyes and he squinted. They were both breathing heavily. Slowly, Tonks pulled away.

"You're not going to decide this is all a mistake tomorrow… that's it's just because Dumbledore…"

"I know you have no reason to believe me… but I promise… I won't leave you again."

She gave him a faint smile as she pulled her hand from where it had been resting on his back and reached up to ruffle his hair. He pulled her in for another embrace.

"I've missed you so much," she whispered.

"I'm so sorry… You know I've missed you, too… I thought about you everyday."

"So, what do we do now?"

"I don't know," he said, pulling back to look at her. "I guess it'll take time."

He wanted to kiss her, just the top of her forehead, but he felt he should let her take the lead.

"Aren't you going to kiss me?" she asked, smiling.

"Yes." He pulled her to him and kissed the top of her head, then slid his lips down and kissed her cheek. She turned into him and their lips met tentatively. He opened his mouth slowly, and she did the same. It felt to him as if this were the first time he were kissing her. He was nervous, and his heart was pounding wildly. He felt her tongue sliding into his mouth as she deepened the kiss. He pulled his arms around her more tightly as he intertwined his tongue with hers. He didn't want to let her go, but soon enough he had to break away and catch his breath.

"You look exhausted, Remus."

"I feel exhausted." He sighed, but he eyes were smiling.

"Let's take a nap," she said as she reached for his hand and started to get up from the sofa.

He followed her into the bedroom, squeezing her hand tightly.

"Come on," she said, pulling him onto the bed. They both climbed under the duvet, and he pulled her back into him and wrapped his arms around her. She was warm. Really; they were both warm as they were both still fully clothed. It was a warm enough day that the duvet was unnecessary, but the warmth felt good and the duvet was oh-so-soft. For the first time in almost a year, he felt at peace. It wasn't long before he drifted off to sleep.


End file.
